MC #5: You Are Still Here

Sixteen years have passed since I killed you. When I returned home the wax was grasping at the remnants of the fire, the pot was simmering for what must have been a soup’s eternity, yet the lilies and carnations were absolutely the most beautiful objects I had ever seen. Few memories are allowed to pierce that foggy, numb antistectic. No emotion can successfully capture the alien feeling of sudden loss, regret, and remorse. Part supernatural, part earth shatteringly human. You only exist now because of the years spent bittersweetly obsessing and sleuthing. I sealed your scent away in small, vacuum-packed bags, which I open one per birthday - a celebratory occasion I count the days until! I researched for fourteen months trying to find the right lotion ...it was no longer in production. I still have half a bottle hidden under the sink. In the time between I have rescued, raised, and said goodbye to three dogs, including the breed you always wanted. I’ve taken up your hobbies, I learned your dreams from your journals, and memorized your childhood paintings given to me by your mother. I would say I planted a tree for you, but, every single thing I do I still do with you in my mind. My activities are merely placeholders for our conversations, flirtatious shoves, and relaxing peace. My activities rebuild you, my thoughts project you, and my dreams become you. It’s the only way I can hold on to you.  


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